Friday I was reminded on just how lucky I am to have you in my life. Our story and our journey have taught me that My worth isn't in a man, but it could be valued by a man. I have written many blogs and journal entries on what I thought it would be like; I never imagined it being so simple as someone just being so completely in love with me. I was used to this "us-against-the-world" method and I thought that was the true definition of love- overcoming the nay-sayers and fighting off the negative comments. Instead, with you I've learned that if God is in the mist of it then everyone will come in agreement with us. You didn't want perfect. You loved me when I was broken. I told you my story and you didn't run. You refused to walk away when I pushed you. You stayed in place not matter how many times I put you down and walked away. Your faithfulness to me out of a relationship mattered more than you know. You won my heart and I have no idea exactly when it happened, but it was obvious that my heart knew before my brain did. People have asked me what you did and although it may be simple my answer is this: he truly loves me.
Mr. Arroyo,
You have my heart. Completely. I have never felt safer with anyone else. You have protected me, not only physically, but you also demand honor and respect for me from others as well. You cover me with prayer. I love that you never hesitate to pray for me when I ask you- you simply do it. You've given me the opportunity to be myself, no matter how dorky or obnoxious. You speak about our future and it doesn't scare me. I should be freaked out by all the marriage talk but instead I join in on it. I would follow you anywhere God called you, just like I know that you would follow me too. We aren't perfect but we cover each other with love and prayer. I love that. I have truly found what I was looking. You are Mr. Not-So-Right. I didn't want a human Ken doll. My whole life I just searched for someone who simply just loved me.
And now you're here. I have had some of the greatest laughs with you. I've had the privilege of finally going on date! and it was all thanks to you. I love that you still look at me the same way that you did in the beginning. Your selflessness is amazing. You continue to win my heart everyday.
Mr. Arroyo,
I'm glad that we get to go on the greatest journey God has set before us. And I'm glad I get to hold your hand along the way.
I love you.
Jess
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Help.
This morning I decided that I wanted to read through the 12 historical books in the bible, just for fun. I started of with Joshua and of course, right away, I needed to write a couple of notes. Here they are:
It is easy to enjoy the promises/blessings of God, but sometimes it our duty to help out bothers before we can rest.
Joshua 1:13-15:
13 “Remember the command that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you after he said, ‘TheLord your God will give you rest by giving you this land.’ 14 Your wives, your children and your livestock may stay in the land that Moses gave you east of the Jordan, but all your fighting men, ready for battle, must cross over ahead of your fellow Israelites. You are to help them15 until the Lord gives them rest, as he has done for you, and until they too have taken possession of the land the Lord your God is giving them. After that, you may go back and occupy your own land, which Moses the servant of the Lord gave you east of the Jordan toward the sunrise.”
It is easy to enjoy the promises/blessings of God, but sometimes it our duty to help out bothers before we can rest.
Joshua 1:13-15:
13 “Remember the command that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you after he said, ‘TheLord your God will give you rest by giving you this land.’ 14 Your wives, your children and your livestock may stay in the land that Moses gave you east of the Jordan, but all your fighting men, ready for battle, must cross over ahead of your fellow Israelites. You are to help them15 until the Lord gives them rest, as he has done for you, and until they too have taken possession of the land the Lord your God is giving them. After that, you may go back and occupy your own land, which Moses the servant of the Lord gave you east of the Jordan toward the sunrise.”
In Numbers 32 we find the the Reubenites, Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh asked Moses to allow them to posses the land on the other side of the Jordan, before crossing to the promise land. They saw this land fit for their livestock and great to build cities for their little ones. Moses' answer was short and yet powerful in Num. 32: 6, "Shall your brethren go to war and you just sit here?".
Often we find ourselves in situations that are comfortable, ideal, "just right", and we delight in the blessings of God (as we should). Yet, many times we have people around us getting ready to fight a war, getting ready to drive the enemy out of what's theirs and we "just sit here" because that battle doesn't belong to us...we don't want what they're fighting for so it's easier to stay comfortable. And sometimes we even watch.
I love the answer they give to Moses which is found in Num. 32: 17-18:
17 but we ourselves will be armed ready to go before the sons of Israel, until we have brought them to their place, while our little ones live in the fortified cities because of the inhabitants of the land. 18 We will not return to our homes until every one of the sons of Israel has possessed his inheritance.
It is a given that we can't fight everyone's battles, but sometimes God calls us to be armed and ready to help our brothers and sisters out in their battles. "We will not return to our homes until every one of the sons of Israel has possessed his inheritance"...how many times have we "returned to our homes" and watched others around us lose their inheritance? This is my goal for the rest of the year: that I may help my brothers and sisters fight their battles when God calls me to; to learn that although it is easy to get caught up in the comfortable life, someone out their is waiting for my help.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
He is moved by MY tears
I have learned through many bad life experiences to grow "thick skin", to grieve for a moment and let things go, to know that in due time wounds heal. I have learned not to be so weak, God is greater- so why cry? I was taught that too much mourning was a sign of defeat. "Hold your head high, and keep pressing forward".
John 11:1-44 gives us the story of Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha. It is an amazing story in which Jesus raises Lazarus (who had been in the tomb 4 days). A couple days before that both Mary and Martha had gone to tell Jesus that their brother was sick. It is the natural human response to run to go see those who are about to leave us for good, but Jesus sent them off and stayed two more days where he was at. In verse 14 he tells his disciples that Lazarus is dead (he had not reached Mary and Martha yet to be able to have known this). In verse 20 Martha runs to Jesus and tells him Lazarus is gone, BUT that she knows whatever Jesus asks of God, God will give him. Jesus then asked Martha if she believed Jesus was the son of Christ, the resurrection and the life. She says yes.
In verse 32 Mary comes to meet Jesus and tells him that Lazarus would not have died if Jesus had arrived days earlier. Thats it. No buts. Mary, the woman who risked everything when she anointed the feet of Jesus, was now grieving for the loss of her brother. In that moment her whole world had collapsed, and her faith possibly gone. She could do nothing but cry. And thats when Jesus begins to cry. I find it odd that Jesus cried, when in verse 11 he tells his disciples that Lazarus is just sleeping, and that he will go and wake him up. So many people have preached this message and have said that Jesus cried because the "one who he loved" (verse 1) died, but that doesn't make sense when He knew that he was going there to raise Lazarus. So why did he cry?
He cried because of Mary and the others grieving. Verse 33 says that when he say them he groaned in the spirit and was troubled. He began to cry, not for Lazarus, but because the others around him where distressed, saddened, and their pain was inconsolable. He could have called them all fools for not believing, but instead he took the time to grieve with them. Their hurt moved him to tears. I don't have to be strong all the time. IT IS OKAY TO CRY! It is okay to grieve, because God is moved by tears. He doesn't expect us to handle it all. He expects us to have faith like Martha, but if our faith runs out like Mary he will be moved to tears and cry with me. My Jesus cries with me :)
Psalm 56:8 NKJV
You number my wanderings; Put my tears into your bottle; Are they not in your book?
John 11:1-44 gives us the story of Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha. It is an amazing story in which Jesus raises Lazarus (who had been in the tomb 4 days). A couple days before that both Mary and Martha had gone to tell Jesus that their brother was sick. It is the natural human response to run to go see those who are about to leave us for good, but Jesus sent them off and stayed two more days where he was at. In verse 14 he tells his disciples that Lazarus is dead (he had not reached Mary and Martha yet to be able to have known this). In verse 20 Martha runs to Jesus and tells him Lazarus is gone, BUT that she knows whatever Jesus asks of God, God will give him. Jesus then asked Martha if she believed Jesus was the son of Christ, the resurrection and the life. She says yes.
In verse 32 Mary comes to meet Jesus and tells him that Lazarus would not have died if Jesus had arrived days earlier. Thats it. No buts. Mary, the woman who risked everything when she anointed the feet of Jesus, was now grieving for the loss of her brother. In that moment her whole world had collapsed, and her faith possibly gone. She could do nothing but cry. And thats when Jesus begins to cry. I find it odd that Jesus cried, when in verse 11 he tells his disciples that Lazarus is just sleeping, and that he will go and wake him up. So many people have preached this message and have said that Jesus cried because the "one who he loved" (verse 1) died, but that doesn't make sense when He knew that he was going there to raise Lazarus. So why did he cry?
He cried because of Mary and the others grieving. Verse 33 says that when he say them he groaned in the spirit and was troubled. He began to cry, not for Lazarus, but because the others around him where distressed, saddened, and their pain was inconsolable. He could have called them all fools for not believing, but instead he took the time to grieve with them. Their hurt moved him to tears. I don't have to be strong all the time. IT IS OKAY TO CRY! It is okay to grieve, because God is moved by tears. He doesn't expect us to handle it all. He expects us to have faith like Martha, but if our faith runs out like Mary he will be moved to tears and cry with me. My Jesus cries with me :)
Psalm 56:8 NKJV
You number my wanderings; Put my tears into your bottle; Are they not in your book?
Sunday, March 25, 2012
A quiet sunday
I appreciate the days where I have nothing to do. I actually enjoy them. I always have work, or ministry activities going on and somewhere in between I have to run the 238974 errands to keep my life perfectly balanced. I REALLY appreciate days where I have nothing to do.
Its sunday, and that usually means that I just finished a day of getting ready and then church and then home for lunch and finally a time to rest. But today I am in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the country, enjoying a wonderful sunday. The bestie is taking a nap and liz is doing hw, and although there are people here it is quiet. And I love it. I barely have time throughout the day where it is just quiet. Today Im sitting here in a rocking chair taking a stroll down memory lane and thinking about how weird and different life has turned out to be since June. It will almost be a year where I made a drastic change for the better, and I am so amazed at how life has turned out. A little under a year ago I did not know how life would be from then on. Life was so routine for almost 13 years of my life. Now, I catch myself wondering who I even at this point. I surprise myself at little things I do, I find myself smiling a whole lot more than I was used to. I am myself because it is finally acceptable. No requirements, no limits. I can't even grasp the idea that life is now just becoming how it is. How did I ever make it this far? I can't imagine life being any other way now, and that is perfectly fine. God sure has a sense of humor. I did not know how I was going to survive life's drastic changes, but now I don't know how I survived life before the drastic changes.
I am loving life now.
Its sunday, and that usually means that I just finished a day of getting ready and then church and then home for lunch and finally a time to rest. But today I am in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the country, enjoying a wonderful sunday. The bestie is taking a nap and liz is doing hw, and although there are people here it is quiet. And I love it. I barely have time throughout the day where it is just quiet. Today Im sitting here in a rocking chair taking a stroll down memory lane and thinking about how weird and different life has turned out to be since June. It will almost be a year where I made a drastic change for the better, and I am so amazed at how life has turned out. A little under a year ago I did not know how life would be from then on. Life was so routine for almost 13 years of my life. Now, I catch myself wondering who I even at this point. I surprise myself at little things I do, I find myself smiling a whole lot more than I was used to. I am myself because it is finally acceptable. No requirements, no limits. I can't even grasp the idea that life is now just becoming how it is. How did I ever make it this far? I can't imagine life being any other way now, and that is perfectly fine. God sure has a sense of humor. I did not know how I was going to survive life's drastic changes, but now I don't know how I survived life before the drastic changes.
I am loving life now.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Get set, GO.
Its Friday afternoon, work is done and I'm just at home hanging out in my room sitting on my reading chair. This week has been an amazing one. I don't know if its due to the weather, but I finally feel like I am out of this funk I was in for so long. It began somewhere in January, when things began to feel so routine. This comparison might sound funny, but I felt like a hamster running around in the wheel. Going nowhere, just spinning my wheel.
Okay, that sounds really funny.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because part of me felt like I was just complaining. After all, I honestly have a lot to be thankful for, and nothing is routine because everything is still partly new. Ha. But still, I felt stuck. Two weeks ago I began to fall into some sort of depression. I wasn't sleeping, I had no appetite, and I had no desire to do anything. It didn't make sense though because I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying. I talked to a new guy friend who told me that it sounded like I was depressed and needed to just talk to someone and see what it was. Sunday night I shared with two friends all my worries and fears. And then when I realized, all the food on my plate was gone. We sat down to talk and before I knew it I was fast asleep.
Sunday I made a decision to get rid of all the distractions in/around my life and just get back on track. I cracked open my bible when I read Hebrews 4, a chapter which speaks of the Promise of Rest. This chapter says that God has promised rest, but that we need to be obedient, faithful, and mix the word of God with faith. Verse 10 says "For he who has entered His rest himself also ceased from his works as God did from His." Now, I may be taking this verse out of context, but what I got out of it is that until I enter the rest of God (which I believe is heaven), I still have a lot of work to do down here. I am not spinning a wheel with nowhere to go, everything I do is for a reason, and I still have a purpose whether I realize it or not. I may not be where I saw/thought I would be 3 years ago, but I am here and instead of complain I need to understand and figure out why I am where I am.
Life hasn't been better since. Going to sleep with a smile-waking up with a smile. Smiling at random times throughout the day. I don't understand why, but I know that my purpose and work isn't done and that in itself has been the biggest drive throughout this week. I was reminded of the times that I go out for a run, and set a destination. While I am running and out of breath, I feel like I am never going to make it. But when I finally reach my destination not only do I feel accomplished but also tell myself that I complained for nothing. Life isn't over yet, I'm not spinning a wheel; all I've been doing is reaching "checkpoints" in this race. Eventually I'll get to the finish line, but I'm not in a rush. This is the path I'm on and I will praise my way through.
Okay, that sounds really funny.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because part of me felt like I was just complaining. After all, I honestly have a lot to be thankful for, and nothing is routine because everything is still partly new. Ha. But still, I felt stuck. Two weeks ago I began to fall into some sort of depression. I wasn't sleeping, I had no appetite, and I had no desire to do anything. It didn't make sense though because I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying. I talked to a new guy friend who told me that it sounded like I was depressed and needed to just talk to someone and see what it was. Sunday night I shared with two friends all my worries and fears. And then when I realized, all the food on my plate was gone. We sat down to talk and before I knew it I was fast asleep.
Sunday I made a decision to get rid of all the distractions in/around my life and just get back on track. I cracked open my bible when I read Hebrews 4, a chapter which speaks of the Promise of Rest. This chapter says that God has promised rest, but that we need to be obedient, faithful, and mix the word of God with faith. Verse 10 says "For he who has entered His rest himself also ceased from his works as God did from His." Now, I may be taking this verse out of context, but what I got out of it is that until I enter the rest of God (which I believe is heaven), I still have a lot of work to do down here. I am not spinning a wheel with nowhere to go, everything I do is for a reason, and I still have a purpose whether I realize it or not. I may not be where I saw/thought I would be 3 years ago, but I am here and instead of complain I need to understand and figure out why I am where I am.
Life hasn't been better since. Going to sleep with a smile-waking up with a smile. Smiling at random times throughout the day. I don't understand why, but I know that my purpose and work isn't done and that in itself has been the biggest drive throughout this week. I was reminded of the times that I go out for a run, and set a destination. While I am running and out of breath, I feel like I am never going to make it. But when I finally reach my destination not only do I feel accomplished but also tell myself that I complained for nothing. Life isn't over yet, I'm not spinning a wheel; all I've been doing is reaching "checkpoints" in this race. Eventually I'll get to the finish line, but I'm not in a rush. This is the path I'm on and I will praise my way through.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Power of Worship in us
I was always told that the devil uses secular music as a tactic to lure many people into the world of secular music. It is a weapon of the enemy, a thing I was told that I had to constantly fight against. I don't deny that there are many young christians that struggle with an issue of listening to secular music, but I will say that I think we give it such a horrific definition, and in a way much more power than it deserves.
I watched the Grammys last night and I watched Nicki Minaj's performance. I cringed the whole time. I log on to facebook and see a ton of statuses and twitter post about how Nicki is so demon possessed and she needs deliverance, how inappropriate it was, etc. All very good points, but nonetheless, very obvious points. But I began to think: who cares? Why do christians feel so offended, so intimidated, so threatened by the world's tactics? Last time I checked, my God was still greater.
We all know the story of Lucifer. An angel created to do one thing and one thing only. Worship. Every part of his being did just that, and I can only just imagine the music and worship that poured out of him. One day he realized just how beautiful he was, and decided the worship should go to him. Then he was cast out because of the pride in him. Can you imagine not being able to do the ONE THING that you were created for? Then I realized just how powerful worship is. When God created us, he created us to do ONE THING and one thing only: to worship HIM. He gave us the power that Lucifer lost in heaven. He gave us the creativity, the voice, the instruments that enable us to do so. And in there lies Satans anger, frustration, and jealousy. The bible says that Lucifer was a loved angel to God, that he was on the mountain of God. He was pretty much V.I.P. He was truly loved by God. The fact that God created us to do the one thing that Lucifer can never do is quite mind blowing to me. Which is why he made us in His image, so that we would never exalt ourselves higher than God. So that our very existence reminds us our our Creator. He regards us higher than anything in heaven, which is why he stops everything just to hear us when we worship. In our worship, we then are able to go to God's mountain. We are able to enter The Holy of Holies.
The way I see it now, the devil doesn't "create" music. Its what he USED to do. He can only distort the minds of those creating it. It is our job to not worry on the pittyful things of the World, but to worship God with even more love and more creativity. The secular music industry isn't advancing because Satan is more creative, it is advancing because we have yet to understand the exact power and abilities we have in our worship. We have yet to understand the wonderful and beautiful connection we make our Father in heaven. We have yet to understand the power of worship in us. The devil has lost every battle because no matter what he throws in our direction, at the end of the day, we took his job. We stand were he once stood.
I watched the Grammys last night and I watched Nicki Minaj's performance. I cringed the whole time. I log on to facebook and see a ton of statuses and twitter post about how Nicki is so demon possessed and she needs deliverance, how inappropriate it was, etc. All very good points, but nonetheless, very obvious points. But I began to think: who cares? Why do christians feel so offended, so intimidated, so threatened by the world's tactics? Last time I checked, my God was still greater.
We all know the story of Lucifer. An angel created to do one thing and one thing only. Worship. Every part of his being did just that, and I can only just imagine the music and worship that poured out of him. One day he realized just how beautiful he was, and decided the worship should go to him. Then he was cast out because of the pride in him. Can you imagine not being able to do the ONE THING that you were created for? Then I realized just how powerful worship is. When God created us, he created us to do ONE THING and one thing only: to worship HIM. He gave us the power that Lucifer lost in heaven. He gave us the creativity, the voice, the instruments that enable us to do so. And in there lies Satans anger, frustration, and jealousy. The bible says that Lucifer was a loved angel to God, that he was on the mountain of God. He was pretty much V.I.P. He was truly loved by God. The fact that God created us to do the one thing that Lucifer can never do is quite mind blowing to me. Which is why he made us in His image, so that we would never exalt ourselves higher than God. So that our very existence reminds us our our Creator. He regards us higher than anything in heaven, which is why he stops everything just to hear us when we worship. In our worship, we then are able to go to God's mountain. We are able to enter The Holy of Holies.
The way I see it now, the devil doesn't "create" music. Its what he USED to do. He can only distort the minds of those creating it. It is our job to not worry on the pittyful things of the World, but to worship God with even more love and more creativity. The secular music industry isn't advancing because Satan is more creative, it is advancing because we have yet to understand the exact power and abilities we have in our worship. We have yet to understand the wonderful and beautiful connection we make our Father in heaven. We have yet to understand the power of worship in us. The devil has lost every battle because no matter what he throws in our direction, at the end of the day, we took his job. We stand were he once stood.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Taking a risk
My family used to get together for memorial day or the fourth of July and take a little trip to a park called Highland Park, located in Highland Park. We would have our family picnics there and we would all bring our bikes because on the other side of the park was this very steep hill that gave us the biggest adrenaline rush ever. Looking back at it, it's a miracle that no one ever was sent to the hospital. Actually, it was very stupid of us. We would get to the top of the hill start biking down and then lift our feet up because we could no longer pedal due to how fast we were going. Sometimes if we felt we were losing control we would go in to the grass and just throw ourselves down because we would have gotten hurt if we kept going down. At the time I must have been 10/11 yrs old.
If you were to ask me to do that again now, I would tell you that you're out of your mind and walk away.
I want to reach that point of risk-taking that I used to have. I want to be like I used to be when I was younger and take risks and not care about what COULD happen, but believe that everything would be okay when I reach the bottom of the hill. That even if I know that something bad might happen, I simply steer into grassy areas and start climbing that hill again to complete my goal.
I've lately been so frustrated at what my life has turned out to be. I've had resentment, to a certain point, toward all those who get everything handed to them and dont appreciate what they have in front of them. One of my biggest dreams right now and biggest desire is to go back to school. I long to be back in a classroom and just learn about everything and anything. Everytime I think I'm close enough life gets in the way. After quite sometime of being out of school, I find myself at the top of the hill wondering if I'll ever have the chance to reach the finish line, the bottom of the hill. I find myself watching others reach that finish line as I stay up there. My other prayer is to have the guts to fall in love. I watch others fall in love and feel the adrenaline rush as I keep chickening out because I'm too busy "guarding" my heart. I don't want to get scratched up or bruised up, but honestly the only thing that happens is that I watch others have the time of their life as I stay on top of the hill because I'm too scared to go down.
I've been on top of this "hill" for quite a while. Too scared to go anywhere. Stuck in the same place. But I can hear a voice in my head telling "Get on that bike and start pedaling". I have no idea what God has in store, but I know that I'm tired of seeing everyone reach the finish line. I realize now that I have to go back to the attitude I used to have when I was a younger girl and not even care about what the outcome might be, but to go down the hill carefree and believe with all my heart that I will be okay.
It's time to start pedaling.
If you were to ask me to do that again now, I would tell you that you're out of your mind and walk away.
I want to reach that point of risk-taking that I used to have. I want to be like I used to be when I was younger and take risks and not care about what COULD happen, but believe that everything would be okay when I reach the bottom of the hill. That even if I know that something bad might happen, I simply steer into grassy areas and start climbing that hill again to complete my goal.
I've lately been so frustrated at what my life has turned out to be. I've had resentment, to a certain point, toward all those who get everything handed to them and dont appreciate what they have in front of them. One of my biggest dreams right now and biggest desire is to go back to school. I long to be back in a classroom and just learn about everything and anything. Everytime I think I'm close enough life gets in the way. After quite sometime of being out of school, I find myself at the top of the hill wondering if I'll ever have the chance to reach the finish line, the bottom of the hill. I find myself watching others reach that finish line as I stay up there. My other prayer is to have the guts to fall in love. I watch others fall in love and feel the adrenaline rush as I keep chickening out because I'm too busy "guarding" my heart. I don't want to get scratched up or bruised up, but honestly the only thing that happens is that I watch others have the time of their life as I stay on top of the hill because I'm too scared to go down.
I've been on top of this "hill" for quite a while. Too scared to go anywhere. Stuck in the same place. But I can hear a voice in my head telling "Get on that bike and start pedaling". I have no idea what God has in store, but I know that I'm tired of seeing everyone reach the finish line. I realize now that I have to go back to the attitude I used to have when I was a younger girl and not even care about what the outcome might be, but to go down the hill carefree and believe with all my heart that I will be okay.
It's time to start pedaling.
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