I have learned through many bad life experiences to grow "thick skin", to grieve for a moment and let things go, to know that in due time wounds heal. I have learned not to be so weak, God is greater- so why cry? I was taught that too much mourning was a sign of defeat. "Hold your head high, and keep pressing forward".
John 11:1-44 gives us the story of Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha. It is an amazing story in which Jesus raises Lazarus (who had been in the tomb 4 days). A couple days before that both Mary and Martha had gone to tell Jesus that their brother was sick. It is the natural human response to run to go see those who are about to leave us for good, but Jesus sent them off and stayed two more days where he was at. In verse 14 he tells his disciples that Lazarus is dead (he had not reached Mary and Martha yet to be able to have known this). In verse 20 Martha runs to Jesus and tells him Lazarus is gone, BUT that she knows whatever Jesus asks of God, God will give him. Jesus then asked Martha if she believed Jesus was the son of Christ, the resurrection and the life. She says yes.
In verse 32 Mary comes to meet Jesus and tells him that Lazarus would not have died if Jesus had arrived days earlier. Thats it. No buts. Mary, the woman who risked everything when she anointed the feet of Jesus, was now grieving for the loss of her brother. In that moment her whole world had collapsed, and her faith possibly gone. She could do nothing but cry. And thats when Jesus begins to cry. I find it odd that Jesus cried, when in verse 11 he tells his disciples that Lazarus is just sleeping, and that he will go and wake him up. So many people have preached this message and have said that Jesus cried because the "one who he loved" (verse 1) died, but that doesn't make sense when He knew that he was going there to raise Lazarus. So why did he cry?
He cried because of Mary and the others grieving. Verse 33 says that when he say them he groaned in the spirit and was troubled. He began to cry, not for Lazarus, but because the others around him where distressed, saddened, and their pain was inconsolable. He could have called them all fools for not believing, but instead he took the time to grieve with them. Their hurt moved him to tears. I don't have to be strong all the time. IT IS OKAY TO CRY! It is okay to grieve, because God is moved by tears. He doesn't expect us to handle it all. He expects us to have faith like Martha, but if our faith runs out like Mary he will be moved to tears and cry with me. My Jesus cries with me :)
Psalm 56:8 NKJV
You number my wanderings; Put my tears into your bottle; Are they not in your book?
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
A quiet sunday
I appreciate the days where I have nothing to do. I actually enjoy them. I always have work, or ministry activities going on and somewhere in between I have to run the 238974 errands to keep my life perfectly balanced. I REALLY appreciate days where I have nothing to do.
Its sunday, and that usually means that I just finished a day of getting ready and then church and then home for lunch and finally a time to rest. But today I am in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the country, enjoying a wonderful sunday. The bestie is taking a nap and liz is doing hw, and although there are people here it is quiet. And I love it. I barely have time throughout the day where it is just quiet. Today Im sitting here in a rocking chair taking a stroll down memory lane and thinking about how weird and different life has turned out to be since June. It will almost be a year where I made a drastic change for the better, and I am so amazed at how life has turned out. A little under a year ago I did not know how life would be from then on. Life was so routine for almost 13 years of my life. Now, I catch myself wondering who I even at this point. I surprise myself at little things I do, I find myself smiling a whole lot more than I was used to. I am myself because it is finally acceptable. No requirements, no limits. I can't even grasp the idea that life is now just becoming how it is. How did I ever make it this far? I can't imagine life being any other way now, and that is perfectly fine. God sure has a sense of humor. I did not know how I was going to survive life's drastic changes, but now I don't know how I survived life before the drastic changes.
I am loving life now.
Its sunday, and that usually means that I just finished a day of getting ready and then church and then home for lunch and finally a time to rest. But today I am in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the country, enjoying a wonderful sunday. The bestie is taking a nap and liz is doing hw, and although there are people here it is quiet. And I love it. I barely have time throughout the day where it is just quiet. Today Im sitting here in a rocking chair taking a stroll down memory lane and thinking about how weird and different life has turned out to be since June. It will almost be a year where I made a drastic change for the better, and I am so amazed at how life has turned out. A little under a year ago I did not know how life would be from then on. Life was so routine for almost 13 years of my life. Now, I catch myself wondering who I even at this point. I surprise myself at little things I do, I find myself smiling a whole lot more than I was used to. I am myself because it is finally acceptable. No requirements, no limits. I can't even grasp the idea that life is now just becoming how it is. How did I ever make it this far? I can't imagine life being any other way now, and that is perfectly fine. God sure has a sense of humor. I did not know how I was going to survive life's drastic changes, but now I don't know how I survived life before the drastic changes.
I am loving life now.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Get set, GO.
Its Friday afternoon, work is done and I'm just at home hanging out in my room sitting on my reading chair. This week has been an amazing one. I don't know if its due to the weather, but I finally feel like I am out of this funk I was in for so long. It began somewhere in January, when things began to feel so routine. This comparison might sound funny, but I felt like a hamster running around in the wheel. Going nowhere, just spinning my wheel.
Okay, that sounds really funny.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because part of me felt like I was just complaining. After all, I honestly have a lot to be thankful for, and nothing is routine because everything is still partly new. Ha. But still, I felt stuck. Two weeks ago I began to fall into some sort of depression. I wasn't sleeping, I had no appetite, and I had no desire to do anything. It didn't make sense though because I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying. I talked to a new guy friend who told me that it sounded like I was depressed and needed to just talk to someone and see what it was. Sunday night I shared with two friends all my worries and fears. And then when I realized, all the food on my plate was gone. We sat down to talk and before I knew it I was fast asleep.
Sunday I made a decision to get rid of all the distractions in/around my life and just get back on track. I cracked open my bible when I read Hebrews 4, a chapter which speaks of the Promise of Rest. This chapter says that God has promised rest, but that we need to be obedient, faithful, and mix the word of God with faith. Verse 10 says "For he who has entered His rest himself also ceased from his works as God did from His." Now, I may be taking this verse out of context, but what I got out of it is that until I enter the rest of God (which I believe is heaven), I still have a lot of work to do down here. I am not spinning a wheel with nowhere to go, everything I do is for a reason, and I still have a purpose whether I realize it or not. I may not be where I saw/thought I would be 3 years ago, but I am here and instead of complain I need to understand and figure out why I am where I am.
Life hasn't been better since. Going to sleep with a smile-waking up with a smile. Smiling at random times throughout the day. I don't understand why, but I know that my purpose and work isn't done and that in itself has been the biggest drive throughout this week. I was reminded of the times that I go out for a run, and set a destination. While I am running and out of breath, I feel like I am never going to make it. But when I finally reach my destination not only do I feel accomplished but also tell myself that I complained for nothing. Life isn't over yet, I'm not spinning a wheel; all I've been doing is reaching "checkpoints" in this race. Eventually I'll get to the finish line, but I'm not in a rush. This is the path I'm on and I will praise my way through.
Okay, that sounds really funny.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because part of me felt like I was just complaining. After all, I honestly have a lot to be thankful for, and nothing is routine because everything is still partly new. Ha. But still, I felt stuck. Two weeks ago I began to fall into some sort of depression. I wasn't sleeping, I had no appetite, and I had no desire to do anything. It didn't make sense though because I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying. I talked to a new guy friend who told me that it sounded like I was depressed and needed to just talk to someone and see what it was. Sunday night I shared with two friends all my worries and fears. And then when I realized, all the food on my plate was gone. We sat down to talk and before I knew it I was fast asleep.
Sunday I made a decision to get rid of all the distractions in/around my life and just get back on track. I cracked open my bible when I read Hebrews 4, a chapter which speaks of the Promise of Rest. This chapter says that God has promised rest, but that we need to be obedient, faithful, and mix the word of God with faith. Verse 10 says "For he who has entered His rest himself also ceased from his works as God did from His." Now, I may be taking this verse out of context, but what I got out of it is that until I enter the rest of God (which I believe is heaven), I still have a lot of work to do down here. I am not spinning a wheel with nowhere to go, everything I do is for a reason, and I still have a purpose whether I realize it or not. I may not be where I saw/thought I would be 3 years ago, but I am here and instead of complain I need to understand and figure out why I am where I am.
Life hasn't been better since. Going to sleep with a smile-waking up with a smile. Smiling at random times throughout the day. I don't understand why, but I know that my purpose and work isn't done and that in itself has been the biggest drive throughout this week. I was reminded of the times that I go out for a run, and set a destination. While I am running and out of breath, I feel like I am never going to make it. But when I finally reach my destination not only do I feel accomplished but also tell myself that I complained for nothing. Life isn't over yet, I'm not spinning a wheel; all I've been doing is reaching "checkpoints" in this race. Eventually I'll get to the finish line, but I'm not in a rush. This is the path I'm on and I will praise my way through.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Power of Worship in us
I was always told that the devil uses secular music as a tactic to lure many people into the world of secular music. It is a weapon of the enemy, a thing I was told that I had to constantly fight against. I don't deny that there are many young christians that struggle with an issue of listening to secular music, but I will say that I think we give it such a horrific definition, and in a way much more power than it deserves.
I watched the Grammys last night and I watched Nicki Minaj's performance. I cringed the whole time. I log on to facebook and see a ton of statuses and twitter post about how Nicki is so demon possessed and she needs deliverance, how inappropriate it was, etc. All very good points, but nonetheless, very obvious points. But I began to think: who cares? Why do christians feel so offended, so intimidated, so threatened by the world's tactics? Last time I checked, my God was still greater.
We all know the story of Lucifer. An angel created to do one thing and one thing only. Worship. Every part of his being did just that, and I can only just imagine the music and worship that poured out of him. One day he realized just how beautiful he was, and decided the worship should go to him. Then he was cast out because of the pride in him. Can you imagine not being able to do the ONE THING that you were created for? Then I realized just how powerful worship is. When God created us, he created us to do ONE THING and one thing only: to worship HIM. He gave us the power that Lucifer lost in heaven. He gave us the creativity, the voice, the instruments that enable us to do so. And in there lies Satans anger, frustration, and jealousy. The bible says that Lucifer was a loved angel to God, that he was on the mountain of God. He was pretty much V.I.P. He was truly loved by God. The fact that God created us to do the one thing that Lucifer can never do is quite mind blowing to me. Which is why he made us in His image, so that we would never exalt ourselves higher than God. So that our very existence reminds us our our Creator. He regards us higher than anything in heaven, which is why he stops everything just to hear us when we worship. In our worship, we then are able to go to God's mountain. We are able to enter The Holy of Holies.
The way I see it now, the devil doesn't "create" music. Its what he USED to do. He can only distort the minds of those creating it. It is our job to not worry on the pittyful things of the World, but to worship God with even more love and more creativity. The secular music industry isn't advancing because Satan is more creative, it is advancing because we have yet to understand the exact power and abilities we have in our worship. We have yet to understand the wonderful and beautiful connection we make our Father in heaven. We have yet to understand the power of worship in us. The devil has lost every battle because no matter what he throws in our direction, at the end of the day, we took his job. We stand were he once stood.
I watched the Grammys last night and I watched Nicki Minaj's performance. I cringed the whole time. I log on to facebook and see a ton of statuses and twitter post about how Nicki is so demon possessed and she needs deliverance, how inappropriate it was, etc. All very good points, but nonetheless, very obvious points. But I began to think: who cares? Why do christians feel so offended, so intimidated, so threatened by the world's tactics? Last time I checked, my God was still greater.
We all know the story of Lucifer. An angel created to do one thing and one thing only. Worship. Every part of his being did just that, and I can only just imagine the music and worship that poured out of him. One day he realized just how beautiful he was, and decided the worship should go to him. Then he was cast out because of the pride in him. Can you imagine not being able to do the ONE THING that you were created for? Then I realized just how powerful worship is. When God created us, he created us to do ONE THING and one thing only: to worship HIM. He gave us the power that Lucifer lost in heaven. He gave us the creativity, the voice, the instruments that enable us to do so. And in there lies Satans anger, frustration, and jealousy. The bible says that Lucifer was a loved angel to God, that he was on the mountain of God. He was pretty much V.I.P. He was truly loved by God. The fact that God created us to do the one thing that Lucifer can never do is quite mind blowing to me. Which is why he made us in His image, so that we would never exalt ourselves higher than God. So that our very existence reminds us our our Creator. He regards us higher than anything in heaven, which is why he stops everything just to hear us when we worship. In our worship, we then are able to go to God's mountain. We are able to enter The Holy of Holies.
The way I see it now, the devil doesn't "create" music. Its what he USED to do. He can only distort the minds of those creating it. It is our job to not worry on the pittyful things of the World, but to worship God with even more love and more creativity. The secular music industry isn't advancing because Satan is more creative, it is advancing because we have yet to understand the exact power and abilities we have in our worship. We have yet to understand the wonderful and beautiful connection we make our Father in heaven. We have yet to understand the power of worship in us. The devil has lost every battle because no matter what he throws in our direction, at the end of the day, we took his job. We stand were he once stood.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Taking a risk
My family used to get together for memorial day or the fourth of July and take a little trip to a park called Highland Park, located in Highland Park. We would have our family picnics there and we would all bring our bikes because on the other side of the park was this very steep hill that gave us the biggest adrenaline rush ever. Looking back at it, it's a miracle that no one ever was sent to the hospital. Actually, it was very stupid of us. We would get to the top of the hill start biking down and then lift our feet up because we could no longer pedal due to how fast we were going. Sometimes if we felt we were losing control we would go in to the grass and just throw ourselves down because we would have gotten hurt if we kept going down. At the time I must have been 10/11 yrs old.
If you were to ask me to do that again now, I would tell you that you're out of your mind and walk away.
I want to reach that point of risk-taking that I used to have. I want to be like I used to be when I was younger and take risks and not care about what COULD happen, but believe that everything would be okay when I reach the bottom of the hill. That even if I know that something bad might happen, I simply steer into grassy areas and start climbing that hill again to complete my goal.
I've lately been so frustrated at what my life has turned out to be. I've had resentment, to a certain point, toward all those who get everything handed to them and dont appreciate what they have in front of them. One of my biggest dreams right now and biggest desire is to go back to school. I long to be back in a classroom and just learn about everything and anything. Everytime I think I'm close enough life gets in the way. After quite sometime of being out of school, I find myself at the top of the hill wondering if I'll ever have the chance to reach the finish line, the bottom of the hill. I find myself watching others reach that finish line as I stay up there. My other prayer is to have the guts to fall in love. I watch others fall in love and feel the adrenaline rush as I keep chickening out because I'm too busy "guarding" my heart. I don't want to get scratched up or bruised up, but honestly the only thing that happens is that I watch others have the time of their life as I stay on top of the hill because I'm too scared to go down.
I've been on top of this "hill" for quite a while. Too scared to go anywhere. Stuck in the same place. But I can hear a voice in my head telling "Get on that bike and start pedaling". I have no idea what God has in store, but I know that I'm tired of seeing everyone reach the finish line. I realize now that I have to go back to the attitude I used to have when I was a younger girl and not even care about what the outcome might be, but to go down the hill carefree and believe with all my heart that I will be okay.
It's time to start pedaling.
If you were to ask me to do that again now, I would tell you that you're out of your mind and walk away.
I want to reach that point of risk-taking that I used to have. I want to be like I used to be when I was younger and take risks and not care about what COULD happen, but believe that everything would be okay when I reach the bottom of the hill. That even if I know that something bad might happen, I simply steer into grassy areas and start climbing that hill again to complete my goal.
I've lately been so frustrated at what my life has turned out to be. I've had resentment, to a certain point, toward all those who get everything handed to them and dont appreciate what they have in front of them. One of my biggest dreams right now and biggest desire is to go back to school. I long to be back in a classroom and just learn about everything and anything. Everytime I think I'm close enough life gets in the way. After quite sometime of being out of school, I find myself at the top of the hill wondering if I'll ever have the chance to reach the finish line, the bottom of the hill. I find myself watching others reach that finish line as I stay up there. My other prayer is to have the guts to fall in love. I watch others fall in love and feel the adrenaline rush as I keep chickening out because I'm too busy "guarding" my heart. I don't want to get scratched up or bruised up, but honestly the only thing that happens is that I watch others have the time of their life as I stay on top of the hill because I'm too scared to go down.
I've been on top of this "hill" for quite a while. Too scared to go anywhere. Stuck in the same place. But I can hear a voice in my head telling "Get on that bike and start pedaling". I have no idea what God has in store, but I know that I'm tired of seeing everyone reach the finish line. I realize now that I have to go back to the attitude I used to have when I was a younger girl and not even care about what the outcome might be, but to go down the hill carefree and believe with all my heart that I will be okay.
It's time to start pedaling.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Mr. Not-So-Right
Girls have always been taught to look for Mr. Right either by our parents or Disney movies we saw when we were little ones. As girls get older they still seem to have that whole scene in their head when Prince Charming and Cinderella get married and the whole town is celebrating. As a christian girl, we are even more drilled with all the qualities and requirements a man should posses before we even consider him. Our "callings" have to be compatible. His ministry should compliment mine. Prayer warrior. etc.
And thats on top of the whole blue eyes, brown hair thing we search after.
The more.."alone" I find myself the more I find myself cutting down my list of requirements. Not because I want to settle for just anything, but because I realize that there is only one thing that matters: at the end of the day we are in Gods perfect will, and we are two instruments he put together to glorify him in anything we do.
Im looking for Mr. Not-So-Right. I don't want a human Ken doll, I want someone who is as real as it gets. He's going to have to be brave because I refuse to kill any insects in our home. He's going to have to be tall because I'm only 5 ft tall, who else is going to reach things for me? He's going to have to be a prayer warrior, because I guarantee that there are going to be days he wishes he could escape from me, hahaha. He's going to have to be strong for when we have wrestling matches. He's going to have to have alot of energy because... we will be staying up till the crack of dawn sometimes. :). He has to have a sense of humor because I am the biggest dork and my dancing and singing around the house wont be too amazing. He's going to have love God because that will be the glue in our marriage.
I don't want someone who checks off all the requirements on my list. I want someone who simply gets me. Who loves the things I love because he loves me, not because we are doing the same thing. Perfect men don't exist, but real men do. I am nowhere near perfect and thats how I want him to love me. Girls who expect perfect will waste years looking for it, because there is no such thing.
I'm waiting for my Mr. Not-So-Right :)
And thats on top of the whole blue eyes, brown hair thing we search after.
The more.."alone" I find myself the more I find myself cutting down my list of requirements. Not because I want to settle for just anything, but because I realize that there is only one thing that matters: at the end of the day we are in Gods perfect will, and we are two instruments he put together to glorify him in anything we do.
Im looking for Mr. Not-So-Right. I don't want a human Ken doll, I want someone who is as real as it gets. He's going to have to be brave because I refuse to kill any insects in our home. He's going to have to be tall because I'm only 5 ft tall, who else is going to reach things for me? He's going to have to be a prayer warrior, because I guarantee that there are going to be days he wishes he could escape from me, hahaha. He's going to have to be strong for when we have wrestling matches. He's going to have to have alot of energy because... we will be staying up till the crack of dawn sometimes. :). He has to have a sense of humor because I am the biggest dork and my dancing and singing around the house wont be too amazing. He's going to have love God because that will be the glue in our marriage.
I don't want someone who checks off all the requirements on my list. I want someone who simply gets me. Who loves the things I love because he loves me, not because we are doing the same thing. Perfect men don't exist, but real men do. I am nowhere near perfect and thats how I want him to love me. Girls who expect perfect will waste years looking for it, because there is no such thing.
I'm waiting for my Mr. Not-So-Right :)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Bottles and Spoons
Living in today's world, we are used to living life like a competition. We have to have the better house, the better car, go to the most expensive schools, wear the biggest name brands. It's a lifestyle of "reaching the top", of climbing up the social ladder, and messing up a couple people on the way.
Although this is a way of life in the 21st century, it seems to have become a way of life for many pastors/ministers/teachers. They want to get the latest revelation, a reason to be quoted, a reason to write a book that will "impact" many others. They treat the bible as a way for God to make THEM greater, instead of using it to make the name of God great. I see this on facebook, twitter, and blogs:
God is love, love is God.
- (insert name here)
And their groupies are quick to quote them, quick to like their status, or quick to comment. I think it's an issue when the people cannot see for themselves that these "revelations" are simple scriptures God gave to EVERYONE, so that we can learn to fend for our own salvation. Yet many pastors feel like they are the chosen ones, the only ones God can speak to. Don't misunderstand my blog, because obviously God has placed pastors, apostles, teachers, and other ministers to be able to minister to us. I have these people in my life, whom I look up to and respect as men and women of God that have been placed to feed me spiritually. My problem is with men/women who put themselves on a pedastal, abusing the authority God has given them.
These men/women make others feel like God can't speak to them. THEY alone can enter the holy of holies, and no other can be on their level. They are, for better lack of words, untouchable. They pray 10 hours a day. Fast 30 days out of the month. Seclude themselves from the world.
I think they might be just as holy as Jesus.
YES! I am being sarcastic. Sometimes I want to reply "duh!". But this is my only cry: that people read their bible. We have so many baby christians in the churches because they refuse to practice how to "hold their bottle, and grab their spoons". Have you ever seen babies try to feed themselves? at first they create the biggest mess in the world! but with practice and time they eventually get it right and then the job of the parents becomes simple: present them with the food, and they can feed themselves.
Paul says it best in 1 Corinthians 1:17
For Christ didn't send me to baptize, but to preach the Good News--and not with clever speech, for fear that the cross of Christ would lose its power.
Many pastors put in their extra 12 points into the promises of God that make it more difficult, and sometimes impossible to walk a life of holiness because we don't measure up to their "requirements". But how much easier would it be to live a life of holiness if we all knew to just open our bible, read it, and ask the holy spirit to help us understand the words, the revelations, at hand?
Those in authority in our lives have just one job: to preach the good news. What we do with that information is entirely up to us. Don't be so dependant on your pastors and leaders because at the end of the day its just you and God. These "amazing revelations" are all in your bible! True leaders will push you to feed yourselves, and never make you feel like you cant do it on your own. Could you imagine if parents scolded their children for trying to learn how to feed themselves?
Revelations in the word of God are beautiful when they come, but they aren't only made for those who claim that God has chosen them only. They are for everyone, who would just take their time to read their sword. The power to understand it is in you already, and it only gets easier with the holy spirit. Learn to depend on HIM. Learn to feed yourself.
Although this is a way of life in the 21st century, it seems to have become a way of life for many pastors/ministers/teachers. They want to get the latest revelation, a reason to be quoted, a reason to write a book that will "impact" many others. They treat the bible as a way for God to make THEM greater, instead of using it to make the name of God great. I see this on facebook, twitter, and blogs:
God is love, love is God.
- (insert name here)
And their groupies are quick to quote them, quick to like their status, or quick to comment. I think it's an issue when the people cannot see for themselves that these "revelations" are simple scriptures God gave to EVERYONE, so that we can learn to fend for our own salvation. Yet many pastors feel like they are the chosen ones, the only ones God can speak to. Don't misunderstand my blog, because obviously God has placed pastors, apostles, teachers, and other ministers to be able to minister to us. I have these people in my life, whom I look up to and respect as men and women of God that have been placed to feed me spiritually. My problem is with men/women who put themselves on a pedastal, abusing the authority God has given them.
These men/women make others feel like God can't speak to them. THEY alone can enter the holy of holies, and no other can be on their level. They are, for better lack of words, untouchable. They pray 10 hours a day. Fast 30 days out of the month. Seclude themselves from the world.
I think they might be just as holy as Jesus.
YES! I am being sarcastic. Sometimes I want to reply "duh!". But this is my only cry: that people read their bible. We have so many baby christians in the churches because they refuse to practice how to "hold their bottle, and grab their spoons". Have you ever seen babies try to feed themselves? at first they create the biggest mess in the world! but with practice and time they eventually get it right and then the job of the parents becomes simple: present them with the food, and they can feed themselves.
Paul says it best in 1 Corinthians 1:17
For Christ didn't send me to baptize, but to preach the Good News--and not with clever speech, for fear that the cross of Christ would lose its power.
Many pastors put in their extra 12 points into the promises of God that make it more difficult, and sometimes impossible to walk a life of holiness because we don't measure up to their "requirements". But how much easier would it be to live a life of holiness if we all knew to just open our bible, read it, and ask the holy spirit to help us understand the words, the revelations, at hand?
Those in authority in our lives have just one job: to preach the good news. What we do with that information is entirely up to us. Don't be so dependant on your pastors and leaders because at the end of the day its just you and God. These "amazing revelations" are all in your bible! True leaders will push you to feed yourselves, and never make you feel like you cant do it on your own. Could you imagine if parents scolded their children for trying to learn how to feed themselves?
Revelations in the word of God are beautiful when they come, but they aren't only made for those who claim that God has chosen them only. They are for everyone, who would just take their time to read their sword. The power to understand it is in you already, and it only gets easier with the holy spirit. Learn to depend on HIM. Learn to feed yourself.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Leaving Ur
2011 is over.
Many people usually wait for the end of the year to realize all the mistakes and regrets and make new year's resolutions to make sure they don't repeat them again. I have done that for the past who knows how many years, and each and everytime I failed. This year, for once in my life, I didn't have any regrets. I didn't want the year to end.
Not to say that mistakes weren't made, because plenty were. I had loved the wrong people, let in the wrong people, I had invested all my energy in many friendships and potential relationships that were bound to fail from the get go. I made mistakes, but how can you look at the mistakes when so much good has also taken place in your life?
This year I left my Ur. A place that I never fit into, and yet it was my whole life. I longed and longed to be in a place where I knew that God had called me to, but fear kept me from ever moving. Finally God made the way, not in the way I expected, but nevertheless He made the way. My whole was completely turned upside down. In the bible, God tells abraham to leave his country, leave his family, everything in the past. In 2011, God told me to leave my past too.
Leaving Ur, I found myself when I left everything behind. I learned how to be independent, and yet to at the same time how to depend on others. I learned the true meaning of family, all the while I far away from mine. I learned how to be myself in a place where no one knew me. I learned how to worship extravagantly while no one was watching. I learned how to fend for myself while many held me up. I learned to walk the path God called me to, while many pushed me along the way. I learned the true meaning of happiness through brokeness and tears. It has been the hardest process being alone and learning to walk by myself, and yet having so many people around me who genuinely love me.
While I am writting this tears fall down my face because I can't believe I made it through again. I see the path more clearer than I have before. I am still scared, because life hasn't quite made sense and I know it will continue to surprise me at every turn. No matter what life brings ahead, I refuse to be like Lot's wife, who when God commanded the no one look back, she did and turned into a pillar of salt. I have nothing to look back to but broken dreams and shatter esteem. In my past lie my regrets and mistakes, the old me who was looked down and pushed to the back. But my future holds a new me, who will make a difference in the kingdom of God, who has a beautiful calling.
The person I have become over the last 6 months has all been thanks to wonderful people God has placed in my life over the past 6 months.
To the Gomez family: a beautiful family who God placed in my life. I never ever got close to my friend's family the way I have to them. They have not only taken me in as a friend, but as a fake daughter. Michelle, the most wonderful friend in the world! who has continued to be a rock in my life, and will probably never know how much I owe her for being where I am. Thank you for sharing your wonderful family with me.
To the Rivera family: my awesome Y.A. pastors who took me in like true shepards and stood in the gap for me through many prayers, and took a chance on a girl who was a mess and saw beyond it. You guys have made a bigger impact than you think in my life. I love you both so much!!
To my family by faith: la familia, who continued to love on me when many walked out. Your faithfulness has taught me the true meaning of friendship.
AND last but most importantly my family, who though didn't understand, have stood by my side and yet given me the freedom to walk the path God called me to. Who, although I miss very much, have seen my happiness and never manipulated me into going down the road they are. They have given me the liberty to walk my own steps and I could never thank them enough for this.
Leaving Ur has been a time full of oxymorons. But life doesn't need to make sense. Nothing in the bible made sense to people, until they started to trust in God and forget all and just took the first step.
2012, Im not looking back, but I sure am going to look forward.
Here we go.
Many people usually wait for the end of the year to realize all the mistakes and regrets and make new year's resolutions to make sure they don't repeat them again. I have done that for the past who knows how many years, and each and everytime I failed. This year, for once in my life, I didn't have any regrets. I didn't want the year to end.
Not to say that mistakes weren't made, because plenty were. I had loved the wrong people, let in the wrong people, I had invested all my energy in many friendships and potential relationships that were bound to fail from the get go. I made mistakes, but how can you look at the mistakes when so much good has also taken place in your life?
This year I left my Ur. A place that I never fit into, and yet it was my whole life. I longed and longed to be in a place where I knew that God had called me to, but fear kept me from ever moving. Finally God made the way, not in the way I expected, but nevertheless He made the way. My whole was completely turned upside down. In the bible, God tells abraham to leave his country, leave his family, everything in the past. In 2011, God told me to leave my past too.
Leaving Ur, I found myself when I left everything behind. I learned how to be independent, and yet to at the same time how to depend on others. I learned the true meaning of family, all the while I far away from mine. I learned how to be myself in a place where no one knew me. I learned how to worship extravagantly while no one was watching. I learned how to fend for myself while many held me up. I learned to walk the path God called me to, while many pushed me along the way. I learned the true meaning of happiness through brokeness and tears. It has been the hardest process being alone and learning to walk by myself, and yet having so many people around me who genuinely love me.
While I am writting this tears fall down my face because I can't believe I made it through again. I see the path more clearer than I have before. I am still scared, because life hasn't quite made sense and I know it will continue to surprise me at every turn. No matter what life brings ahead, I refuse to be like Lot's wife, who when God commanded the no one look back, she did and turned into a pillar of salt. I have nothing to look back to but broken dreams and shatter esteem. In my past lie my regrets and mistakes, the old me who was looked down and pushed to the back. But my future holds a new me, who will make a difference in the kingdom of God, who has a beautiful calling.
The person I have become over the last 6 months has all been thanks to wonderful people God has placed in my life over the past 6 months.
To the Gomez family: a beautiful family who God placed in my life. I never ever got close to my friend's family the way I have to them. They have not only taken me in as a friend, but as a fake daughter. Michelle, the most wonderful friend in the world! who has continued to be a rock in my life, and will probably never know how much I owe her for being where I am. Thank you for sharing your wonderful family with me.
To the Rivera family: my awesome Y.A. pastors who took me in like true shepards and stood in the gap for me through many prayers, and took a chance on a girl who was a mess and saw beyond it. You guys have made a bigger impact than you think in my life. I love you both so much!!
To my family by faith: la familia, who continued to love on me when many walked out. Your faithfulness has taught me the true meaning of friendship.
AND last but most importantly my family, who though didn't understand, have stood by my side and yet given me the freedom to walk the path God called me to. Who, although I miss very much, have seen my happiness and never manipulated me into going down the road they are. They have given me the liberty to walk my own steps and I could never thank them enough for this.
Leaving Ur has been a time full of oxymorons. But life doesn't need to make sense. Nothing in the bible made sense to people, until they started to trust in God and forget all and just took the first step.
2012, Im not looking back, but I sure am going to look forward.
Here we go.
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