Preparing

This year has been quite the frustrating one in the "significant other" department. It began to feel like everyone was falling in love, going on romantic dates while I was stuck at work or at home doing nothing. Although I am extremely happy for all it became hard to not feel left out. Not to mention, every guy that has come and gone in the last few years of my life have had something I wrote down on my list. One is a pastor. One is independent. One has family values. Another, a great love for kids. All were wrong.

I've recently began to ask God to give me a vision of what HE wants for me. No, it is not the greatest revelation, but to me it has been the hardest thing to do. I'm a planner. I cannot, for the life of me, do things day by day. I carry a planner with me so that I can visualize what the month is going to look like and I need to know what is going to happen every hour. Spontaneity= my worst enemy. I think I have mini panic attacks when I don't know whats going on. Gving up my sense of control has been an extreme process for me.  

If you know me, I tend to do things the...not so traditional way. I have read and studied books on Ruth, Esther, Deborah, Abigail, Hannah, etc. I have read Proverbs 31 a million times! I have books on becoming the perfect wife. Yet, none have opened my eyes like Potiphar's wife, Delilah, Jezebel, Vashti, Sapphira, and the Samaritan woman.

All these woman were jacked up. They were driven by desire, greed, power, control. Who knows what they all went through to become so cold, so angry, so greedy. I refuse to become any of them. I never want to become so driven by desire that I would be willing to frame someone, I never want to be so money hungry that I would use a man to get what I want. I refuse to be a manipulator, driven by power and control that I would become so evil and cold hearted, that God himself would never have mercy on me. I would humble myself, and never embarrass my husband. I would correct my husband, and never allow myself to support a decision that could get him and I killed. I would never want to be so caught up in trying to find a man that fits "just right", that I would not understand what Jesus himself is trying to speak to me.

I have learned to focus less on what I want, and focus more on what I am supposed to be. The greatest man could be standing right in front of me and even if I could check off everything on my list, it would mean nothing if I don't become the woman who has everything he wants on his. God has showed me who I need to become, and although the path to get to where I need to be seems never ending, I remind myself that everything I do is for my future, and although I don't see the "benefits" now, God is just preparing me more along the way. He isn't preparing me so the I can receive my husband, but he is preparing me so that I can give EVERYTHING I become to a man who I will complete, compliment, and even benefit.

I had been taught that I am to sit and look pretty, pray and fast till I have no more strength, and to learn how to "wait".

I am NOT waiting. HE is. I am simply preparing myself. And when I am all set and done then God will be able to give one of his most precious jewels (me!!) to a man who will be blessed to have found me.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. -

Proverbs 18:22